Fruits and Veggies in your Face

Oh my god. I forgot I even had a blog.  I am the worst.
But I am back!
I am going to post about something potentially boring, but its happening so deal with it.
My girlfriend and I and another couple in town have decided to do a "cleanse."  I wouldn't really call it a cleanse, it is more like we are trying to eat fruits and veggies for 7 days. You can also have a serving of brown rice or lentils once a day.  So in other words, no alcohol, no coffee, no dairy which subsequently means no cheese (sigh).   But I thought I would do a blog post about our week mostly to keep me honest, but also to share some recipes.
My inspiration for this cleanse was a woman, named Laura Hall, we have hung out a few times, and I follow her blog, sprint2thetable.com.   She has great recipes.  Check her out.
She explains the cleanse here.
http://www.sprint2thetable.com/2012/02/cleanse-recap-a-new-addition/
Also we have two cookbooks by Brendan Brazier.  Thrive foods and Thrive Fitness the Vegan nutrition cookbook.  He has great recipes for smoothies and plant-based meals.  We use them all the time anyway, but they are both a great resource this week.  You can check him out here.
http://thriveforward.com/
We also use his products too.  http://myvega.com/ You will see me cite them in recipes. 

So on day 1, we had a blueberry and banana smoothie in the morning, snacked on carrots, apples, and oranges for lunch, and then roasted broccoli with avocado pesto, sweet potato fries, and spicy lentils for dinner.
Side note: We got a Vitamix for Christmas, which is expensive, but I have to say worth its weight in gold.  I LOVE it. You don't even understand how awesome it is.  I LOVE it.  So we will use the Vitamix to make smoothies, soups, and sauces. But all can be done in blender or food processor.   Now for some recipes and a few pictures. I will try to take more the rest of the week, sorry for the scarcity today.
 
Day 1:
Breakfast

Blueberry Banana Smoothie 
2 cups water
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
1 frozen banana (we buy them at the store and then peel, cut them up and freeze them for ease of adding to smoothies)
1 scoop of Vega Vanilla Protein Powder

Lunch
Apple
Orange
Carrots
(This was not enough food, I was cranky and tired by dinner time, see Day 2 for more food :))

Dinner

Roasted Broccoli and Avocado Pesto (from Thrive Cookbook by Brendan Brazier)
Roast Broccoli at 475 until browned it took my oven about 12 minutes
Avocado Pesto
1 avocado
1-2 cups of parsley or basil or spinach (whatever you have on hand, I used all)
1/2 cup of lemon juice
2 cloves garlic
2 tbsp of dulse (or some seaweed type thing)
Sea salt and pepper

Add all ingredients to vitamix or food processor and blend.

Sweet Potato Fries
Roasted at 475 for about 20 minutes with coconut oil, sea salt and pepper

Spicy Lentils (From Thrive Foods by Brendan Brazier
1 cup lentils 
1 clove garlic
1/4 cup minced red onion
1/2 jalapeno diced
2 tomatoes
2 tbsp lemon juice
1/4 cup Cilantro or parsley
2 tsp apple cider vinegar
2 tsp olive oil
sea salt

Cook or sprout the lentils and then add all together in a large mixing bowl.

Stay tuned for day 2. 

Interesting enough....

Holy cow. I had to blog about this because the world needs to know that there are crazies out there. So I have been trying to sell a couch on craigslist. I put an ad up for it with a picture. It says the usual. A couch for sale blah blah blah.  Then I get this email from this lady. 

"Hello- interestingly enough, your sofa might work for me. I am a grad student/ mom who has 3 (under grad and grad) students in Athens. The kids have been cleaning me out- both my checking account as well as my furniture. The grad student is taking the sofa from my living room on Wednesday- I do not have the time nor inclination to shop for furniture. I am looking for something to replace the sofa that the grad student is taking. The painting over my sofa is an oil/Paris scene- has a lot of gold and black and it is in a room with a black baby grand. I want to furnish around these two pieces. I just can not tell if your sofa will fit/match by the picture on Craigslist. Is it actually covered or will I need to get it upholstered? When one sits on it does it sag?( as does the one leaving my home with the grad student) I am actually looking for something on the small side because the piano takes up so much room. However, I do want something in decent shape.
Let me know soon if this might work- if it does, we will have the truck on Wednesday and I will want to work around that schedule. "

I felt like this guy after he tried to sell some cinder blocks. http://imgur.com/KqIme 
I mean I honestly don't give a fuck whether the couch goes with your grand piano or the paris scene oil print that you probably got at home goods. Interestingly enough, I don't give a flying fliparoo. One should come sit on the couch to see if one like the couch.  Jesus lady.

The Lost Types of Bitches

Hey Friends,

   I thought I would break my silence with a guest blog. This is a blog from my friend Susie Weller.  We played soccer together in college and got in lots of trouble together.  She actually wrote this a while ago, but I am a huge slacker and have not put it up for no good reason.  This blog is an addition to the list of types of bitches that was found in an elementary school in the DC area.  The list can be found here.  http://andiamnotlying.com/2010/types-of-bitches/  As you can see 44-58 are missing, Susie has filled in that gap.  

Types of Bitches

1. Cross-eyed bitches
2. Bitches who you can’t see where they lookin cuz they cross-eyed
3. Bitches who be leavin their phone, wallet, sunglasses, and coats everywhere
4. Bitches who be tappin their fingernails on counters
5. Bitches who be cluckin on the phone in line
6. Bitches with yappy ass dogs
7. Rhinestone-iphone carrying bitches
8. Bitches who be poppin a squat in public
9. Bitches who always be suckin on blow pops
10. Bitches who be wearin rompers even tho they know they give ‘em camel toes
11. Botox bitches
12. Bitches with baby hands.  
13. Ugly bitches who stay skinny to make up for it
14. Flat chested bitches
15. Big booby bitches
16. Big booby bitches who look down on flat and medium chested bitches
17. Dinner plate nipple bitches
18. Stuffin’ their bras bitches
19. Unhygienic bitches
20. Bitches with five heads
21. Paleolithic lookin’ bitches
22. Bitches who jealous of me cuz they know I prettier than them
23. Elusive bitches
24. Asian bitches who only like things that are miniature
25. Miniature sized bitches 
26. Bitches who ain't got no sense of humor and look down on me for writing a list about bitches

My one addition to the types of bitches is  "Adult braces wearing bitches."  

Stay tuned more blogs to come.  I saw David Sedaris last night and I intend to journal and be just like him when I grow up.  

I have you missed you my pretties!

Love,

Kitty Diamonds (Bitch who be cluckin' on her phone in line)

The Original Badass

1.   I would like to apologize for the extreme gaping hole that has been in your life due to my lack of blogging, I will try my best to be better, but I make no promises.

2.   So one of my first blogs was about Country Rock, if you remember, if not go back and read it.  I bring this up because I have decided that I will create a bucket list for Athens, per my friend Mindy’s inspiration. This bucket list will include Country Rock and the bar that I will blog about below. This is obviously a running list.  That is all I have so far. 

So four lesbians walk into a bar… This bar is Mell’s Tavern to be exact, a karaoke bar on the far west side of Athens.  And in this bar are frequenters of Mell’s Tavern. Folks who like to adorn themselves with the confederate flag to augment their southern heritage.  Now I understand this need, but for some reason the confederate flag assaults my eyeballs.  That is all I will say, one time I said too much about this and I made someone cry and I feel real bad about it, so I am keeping it brief. 

Needless to say I was a little nervous walking in with my fellow lady lovers, but we marched on because one of our members is an excellent singer and I love to line dance.  One of the confederate flag shirts has the flag and then the words “The original badass” above it.  Curious as to who this original badass is, I peer at the front of his shirt to read the words, Hank Williams Jr (see below). 

So a little background on Mell’s karaoke choices and the overall ambiance of the bar… As far as choices of songs, every country song ever written in history is available and any pop song written before 1981 is also available.  As far as the layout of the bar goes, there are some pool tables on the far side, a bar and then the karaoke room, where there sits the karaoke master, with his cowboy hat and regulation size belt buckle, a few tables, a cleared area for dancing and two “stripper” poles. 

Back to the story, we get our pitcher of bud light and start browsing the song list. Our resident karaeoker picks a few songs, I boogie down to the cupid shuffle with the locals.  So we are now welcome participants in the fun.  One woman, a rural housewife if you will, sits down at our table and tells us she is tired because she has 7 kids at home, so she is sorry but she doesn’t think she has seen us in here before.  Sweet lady, so we introduce ourselves. 

You shook me all night long was chosen by two of our party and the crowd went wild.  It seemed like all the bar came to the dance floor, and the poles were an integral part of the dancing.  In fact I am pretty sure one of the poles got pregnant. 

As the night progresses a particularly intoxicated young gentleman attempts to dance with each one of us unsuccessfully.  After four declines, his friend comes over and lets us know he is going to lose twenty bucks if one of us doesn’t dance with him.  So I kindly tell him, if he gives me that twenty dollars, I would love to dance with his friend.  I pocket the twenty, dance with his friend, and cell phones surface for photographic evidence. 

After the dance we all sit back down, and the sir who paid me 20 bucks, came to the table to let us know that we could dance with each other if we wanted to.  Which I thought was very sweet that he let us know it was cool.  So we do and cell phones surface for photographic evidence once again.  I haven’t tried youtubing Lesbians in Mell’s, but we might be famous. 

Slowly the night comes to an end and the last few karaoke itches were scratched.

As we headed to parking lot, our new friend yelled to us “I too like vagina!”

Nothing like a common bond to bring different walks of life together.  Thank you Mell’s for a memorable and accepting evening.  Maybe now the confederate flag will be a little less offensive to my eyes.  

Hongry

Midden me this

To whet your appetite.  More to come I promise.  I am feeling a lot of pressure from my nineteen followers. 

My coworker who will remain unnamed has inspired this blog.  But if you wanna know I will tell you and said coworker will probably too. 

So one day at work I was really hungry, and I asked this coworker if she had any snacks.  She replied confidently, “Look in my midden.”  I blinked a few times replying, “Your what?” A high cabinet door opens, “My midden.”  This midden was filled with a myriad of perishables and non-perishables.  It seemed as if she was preparing for the coming apocalypse with this midden, or at least for being stuck at work over night.  I also thought it was funny she called it a midden, because it means (I learned recently) a trash heap and she offered me snacks from this trash heap.  When she called it a midden at first I just assumed midden meant food pile, but it means trash pile.  But I think it can mean both.

Midden- (defined by Wikipedia)

also known as a kitchen midden, or a shell heap (when they contain a large number of shellfish remains), is a dump for domestic waste.

 The word is of Scandinavian via Middle English derivation, but is used by archaeologists worldwide to describe any kind of feature containing waste products relating to day-to-day human life.

They may be convenient, single-use pits created by nomadic groups or long-term, designated dumps used by sedentary communities that accumulate over several generations.

However when you learn what is in her midden, you will know why it is referred to as a midden. 

I asked her to provide me a list of the things that could be found in the midden.

1. A 2-year-old smucker's jelly jar full of almond butter

2. A bottle of Green Tea Fat Metabolizer my sister gave me to help me not be so fat.

3. 3 different pumps for exercise balls. (She has all these pumps because over the course of the winter she popped three exercise balls by getting to close to the space heater in her office)

4. Numerous (let the record show that she spelled it numberous) plastic bags

5. Rolaids, gum, dental floss, fingernail polish remover, sea salt from Mesopotamia, many packs of soy sauce and spicy Chinese mustard.

6. A hot water bottle

Needless to say, I now keep a midden.  I used to share a desk, but now I have my own desk, where I am free to express my midden desires. 
My coworker, who will now be identified because I don't want to change the name from the gchat, said I should tell yall what is in my midden

Currently in my midden......
Jesslyn:  what's in your midden?
 me:  nothing righ tnow:(
should i just make some stuff up
 Jesslyn:  lame
you can't have a midden with nothing in it
 me:  it was full but then i cleaned it out
i know
Jesslyn:  ah
 me:  i mean there is some stuff
like an empty tupperwear
a few tea bags
a chocolate wrapper
 Jesslyn:  tea bags! nice
 me:  plastic bags
 Jesslyn:  yeah--the perfect midden is a mixture of trash and nontrash items
 me:  exercise ball patch kit, extra stopper
 Jesslyn:  like a purse
 me:  mucinex
 Jesslyn:  patch kit!?
 Jesslyn:  nobody told me about patch kits
mucinex!
perfect!
over the counter drugs are essential for a midden
extra points if it's weird and herbal and fat burning 
me:  i dont know if it is a patch kit but i wanted to make you jealous
there is also tape
the thing is my midden cant be too gross because I share an office


Go forth and start keeping your own midden, 2012 is right around the corner. 

Life Lessons from the Cat Massage Lady ....

Step One:  Watch this video.



Step Two:  Integrate Life Lessons from MaryJean Ballner into everyday life.

I realize you may feel overwhelmed after watching this video.

Things you may be saying to yourself or doing.
"I don't have a cat, and if I did I probably wouldn't massage it. Does this make me a bad hypothetical pet owner?"
Humming "Slow down you move to fast"
Or
Rushing home to massage your kitty.

Hold your horses there.   I want you to first "Slow down, you move too fast."  Sit tight, I want to share with you the important lessons I have teased out of this video.


1.  We touch all the time, so why not be ther best at it.
Well said Mrs. Ballner
Maryjean expands on this life lesson throughout the video.
My favorite "Petting is passé.  Petting is just randomly petting, most people go mid-back. -eh."
Lessons learned, stay away from the midback area, and randomly petting.
She also instructs on how to use our hands. "If your right handed use right, lefthanded use left

Orrrrr if your left handed use right and visa versa."  OR "Use two hands to double your pleasure and double your fun."

And finally the front of your cat is a veritable treasure chest of fun.  ( I will not comment further here)  

All you need to know is that "you don’t need a swimming pool for this breast stroking!!!!"

2. Slow down your moving too fast, that says a lot about life and a lot about cat massage.  

This is where the copyright of this life lesson, gets a little confusing, do we credit Maryjean or Simon and Garfunkel.


In my opinion, they all want us to slow down and enjoy life's little pleasure, like speaking to lamp posts, feeling groovy, and cat massage.
I mean how often do we find ourselves just rushing through life to get to the next thing.  We can all take a few deep breaths and get back to the basics.  

MJB (Maryjean Ballner)  expands on this topic by saying "What may seem excruciatingly slow to us is sooooo appropriate to your feline."  I like to think we can take this sentence and apply it to our regular lives.   Por ejemplo "What may seem excruciatingly slow to us is so appropriate for the person in front of you checking out at the grocery store."
 "What may seem excruciatingly slow to us is sooooo appropriate for a 100 year old Sunday driver."
And so on. 

3. Positive thinking and positive affirmations help us get through life.
MJB has her eyes on the prize.  She knows what she wants in life.  What did she name her cat, Champion AKA Champer Dampers.
She also let's Champion know how special he is by positive affirmations.
"Who is the best cat in the whole United States, it's you Champer Dampers, it's you!!!"
Be sure you are letting those loved ones how you feel about them, take a page from MJB book.  But also keep in mind what she says right after this comment.  "BORING!"  MJB recognizes that the public doesn't want to see this for long, she just wanted to give a peek into her relationship with Champer Dampers and then she knows this is BORING.  So be sure to positively affirm those in your life, but don't bore those around you.

4.  Lastly "When to cat massage?  WHENEVER"

Exactly

A different take on "everything in moderation."  

New Slogan.  

Everything... Whenever.