Gerds the word

People:
I guess I didn't really tell you why I decided to torture myself and abstain from all things wonderful.  Just kidding, we have been eating really well. But I might go to Arby's after the cleanse just to dirty up the body a little.
Well recently I had a bit of a health situation. I felt like someone was strangling me for about 2 months. But not so much that I couldn't breathe, just enough to really freak me out. It was horrible, horrifying, #thoughtihadcancer kind of health sitch.  I didn't have a doctor in town so I had to go to a doc in the box, and I took two rounds of antibiotics, which I do not like to take, but when a phantom disease monster is strangling you, you are like gimmmmmmmmme gimmmme gimmmeee those drugs. Or at least I was, maybe you're not, but I was.  Well that did not help AT ALL, except to kill everything good and sanctimonious in my body.  So I went to a witch doctor (Naturopath) and she was like you probably have gerd. Which I was like WHAT IS THAT?! That sounds like something someone old or very ill should have. Not me. Yeah I am 31, and I am not as young as I used to be, but I mean I still get carded at bars. Someone who gets carded doesn't have ger.... whatchimacallit.  So she send me to a GI Doctor (Innerworkings doctor) and I had a photoshoot of my esophagus and other bits along the way.  Turns out I do have Esophagitis (inflammation of the esophagus) which I guess some people call GERD (Gastroesophageal reflux disease), so you can just go around calling me Gerdtrud from now on. Anyway I am trying to give up the things that are tasty and also apparently mean and strangley, like coffee, hot sauce, citrusy things. I thought the cleanse would be a good way to do this and I decided to drag 3 other victims down with me. 

On Day 3, I had a headache and had to take a nap using Walter as a pillow in my office today, but I still feel pretty good over all. Recipes to follow.

So those of you who are keen in mind will notice, it is not really day 3 of the cleanse, but play along.  I will try to whip out the rest of them a little faster. 

Eatin more and feeling better...

Alrighty, you ready for day two of the Standard Process Cleanse.

So today I resolved to eat more so I didn't want to kill, eat and bury everyone I came in contact with, which happened at like 4pm yesterday. I was so calorie starved.  Not really how I roll, when people tell me they "forgot to eat today," for me that would be like "forgetting to breathe." Me love to eat.

I am gonna keep this down and dirty.  Literally dirty, the beets we bought at Earthfare were so incredibly covered in dirt, which as I type this I am realizing I paid for dirt. Damnit.

Breakfast

Green Smoothie (Breakfast of Hippy Champions)
2 scoops of hemp protein
19 blades of wheatgrass (I never thought I would put wheatgrass in anything and I am still not sure what is good for, but we bought some at the Dekalb Farmer's market)
 5 1/2 dandelion greens ( I mean where do you get these? Well I found them and I am not telling you. But you could probably find them in a powercut somewhere)
Handfull of spinach
1/2 cup of pineapple
2 dates for sweetness and cuteness
2 tbsps of parsely because apparently that stuff is all about detox
Blend that junk.

Second Breakfast (Secondzies)
I told you I don't forget to eat.

Saladtown
Enough various greens to fill the bowl (figure it out)
Chopped red Cabbage
Minced red onion
Blueberries
Dressing (Hemp oil, lime juice, salt pepper)
Nutrional Yeast on top (Do it, don't look at me like that)
Put it all in a bowl.

I remembered to take a picture halfway through
This was so good.  

Lunch

Carrot Ginger Apple Soup
It's like should I write the recipe down?
Carrots, Ginger, Apple
HAHAHAHHA
There is some other stuff
1/2 and onion
1 clove garlic
Water (but you could use veggie broth)

In a soup pot, saute the onion then add garlic, apparently that is the order of sauteeing because that is what ALL the cookbooks say.
Then chop the rest of the stuff up and put it in the pot and then boil that junk.  After the carrots are soft, turn off the heat and let it cool.  Once cool enough put in food processor or blender.



Second Lunch Protein Powder
To keep the beast happy. 
2 cups coconut milk
1 scoop vega vanilla protien powder

Dinner 

Roasted Broccoli with Avocado Pesto
Repeat from last night

Spinach Lentil Fennel Soup

It looks like baby diarrhea but it tastes better.

I used this vegetarian times recipe without the wine.
Side note: My neighbor saw me outside picking some Thyme and was like what are you doing? I said making fennel spinach and lentil soup.  Which suddenly sounded weird and hippy and earthy so I acted cool and was like it will probably be gross. But this was actually pretty good. 

 




Avocado Chutney
I happened upon this woman's blog while looking for recipes.  This will be on repeat after the cleanse. So delicious.


Dessert
I made banana "ice cream" by accident. I mean, it was delicious.  When dairy queen is closed, you should have this.

Banana Ice Cream
Frozen Banana (I didn't have enough so I added regular banana, which is why I added the ice, but I think you should add both)
"Do you want a frozen banana?" "No, but I want a regular banana later, so .... yeah." Mitch Hedberg
1 cup coconut milk
1 scoop Vega vanilla protein powder
1 cup of ice

Alright party people, let's talk tomorrow.

Fruits and Veggies in your Face

Oh my god. I forgot I even had a blog.  I am the worst.
But I am back!
I am going to post about something potentially boring, but its happening so deal with it.
My girlfriend and I and another couple in town have decided to do a "cleanse."  I wouldn't really call it a cleanse, it is more like we are trying to eat fruits and veggies for 7 days. You can also have a serving of brown rice or lentils once a day.  So in other words, no alcohol, no coffee, no dairy which subsequently means no cheese (sigh).   But I thought I would do a blog post about our week mostly to keep me honest, but also to share some recipes.
My inspiration for this cleanse was a woman, named Laura Hall, we have hung out a few times, and I follow her blog, sprint2thetable.com.   She has great recipes.  Check her out.
She explains the cleanse here.
http://www.sprint2thetable.com/2012/02/cleanse-recap-a-new-addition/
Also we have two cookbooks by Brendan Brazier.  Thrive foods and Thrive Fitness the Vegan nutrition cookbook.  He has great recipes for smoothies and plant-based meals.  We use them all the time anyway, but they are both a great resource this week.  You can check him out here.
http://thriveforward.com/
We also use his products too.  http://myvega.com/ You will see me cite them in recipes. 

So on day 1, we had a blueberry and banana smoothie in the morning, snacked on carrots, apples, and oranges for lunch, and then roasted broccoli with avocado pesto, sweet potato fries, and spicy lentils for dinner.
Side note: We got a Vitamix for Christmas, which is expensive, but I have to say worth its weight in gold.  I LOVE it. You don't even understand how awesome it is.  I LOVE it.  So we will use the Vitamix to make smoothies, soups, and sauces. But all can be done in blender or food processor.   Now for some recipes and a few pictures. I will try to take more the rest of the week, sorry for the scarcity today.
 
Day 1:
Breakfast

Blueberry Banana Smoothie 
2 cups water
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
1 frozen banana (we buy them at the store and then peel, cut them up and freeze them for ease of adding to smoothies)
1 scoop of Vega Vanilla Protein Powder

Lunch
Apple
Orange
Carrots
(This was not enough food, I was cranky and tired by dinner time, see Day 2 for more food :))

Dinner

Roasted Broccoli and Avocado Pesto (from Thrive Cookbook by Brendan Brazier)
Roast Broccoli at 475 until browned it took my oven about 12 minutes
Avocado Pesto
1 avocado
1-2 cups of parsley or basil or spinach (whatever you have on hand, I used all)
1/2 cup of lemon juice
2 cloves garlic
2 tbsp of dulse (or some seaweed type thing)
Sea salt and pepper

Add all ingredients to vitamix or food processor and blend.

Sweet Potato Fries
Roasted at 475 for about 20 minutes with coconut oil, sea salt and pepper

Spicy Lentils (From Thrive Foods by Brendan Brazier
1 cup lentils 
1 clove garlic
1/4 cup minced red onion
1/2 jalapeno diced
2 tomatoes
2 tbsp lemon juice
1/4 cup Cilantro or parsley
2 tsp apple cider vinegar
2 tsp olive oil
sea salt

Cook or sprout the lentils and then add all together in a large mixing bowl.

Stay tuned for day 2. 

Interesting enough....

Holy cow. I had to blog about this because the world needs to know that there are crazies out there. So I have been trying to sell a couch on craigslist. I put an ad up for it with a picture. It says the usual. A couch for sale blah blah blah.  Then I get this email from this lady. 

"Hello- interestingly enough, your sofa might work for me. I am a grad student/ mom who has 3 (under grad and grad) students in Athens. The kids have been cleaning me out- both my checking account as well as my furniture. The grad student is taking the sofa from my living room on Wednesday- I do not have the time nor inclination to shop for furniture. I am looking for something to replace the sofa that the grad student is taking. The painting over my sofa is an oil/Paris scene- has a lot of gold and black and it is in a room with a black baby grand. I want to furnish around these two pieces. I just can not tell if your sofa will fit/match by the picture on Craigslist. Is it actually covered or will I need to get it upholstered? When one sits on it does it sag?( as does the one leaving my home with the grad student) I am actually looking for something on the small side because the piano takes up so much room. However, I do want something in decent shape.
Let me know soon if this might work- if it does, we will have the truck on Wednesday and I will want to work around that schedule. "

I felt like this guy after he tried to sell some cinder blocks. http://imgur.com/KqIme 
I mean I honestly don't give a fuck whether the couch goes with your grand piano or the paris scene oil print that you probably got at home goods. Interestingly enough, I don't give a flying fliparoo. One should come sit on the couch to see if one like the couch.  Jesus lady.

The Lost Types of Bitches

Hey Friends,

   I thought I would break my silence with a guest blog. This is a blog from my friend Susie Weller.  We played soccer together in college and got in lots of trouble together.  She actually wrote this a while ago, but I am a huge slacker and have not put it up for no good reason.  This blog is an addition to the list of types of bitches that was found in an elementary school in the DC area.  The list can be found here.  http://andiamnotlying.com/2010/types-of-bitches/  As you can see 44-58 are missing, Susie has filled in that gap.  

Types of Bitches

1. Cross-eyed bitches
2. Bitches who you can’t see where they lookin cuz they cross-eyed
3. Bitches who be leavin their phone, wallet, sunglasses, and coats everywhere
4. Bitches who be tappin their fingernails on counters
5. Bitches who be cluckin on the phone in line
6. Bitches with yappy ass dogs
7. Rhinestone-iphone carrying bitches
8. Bitches who be poppin a squat in public
9. Bitches who always be suckin on blow pops
10. Bitches who be wearin rompers even tho they know they give ‘em camel toes
11. Botox bitches
12. Bitches with baby hands.  
13. Ugly bitches who stay skinny to make up for it
14. Flat chested bitches
15. Big booby bitches
16. Big booby bitches who look down on flat and medium chested bitches
17. Dinner plate nipple bitches
18. Stuffin’ their bras bitches
19. Unhygienic bitches
20. Bitches with five heads
21. Paleolithic lookin’ bitches
22. Bitches who jealous of me cuz they know I prettier than them
23. Elusive bitches
24. Asian bitches who only like things that are miniature
25. Miniature sized bitches 
26. Bitches who ain't got no sense of humor and look down on me for writing a list about bitches

My one addition to the types of bitches is  "Adult braces wearing bitches."  

Stay tuned more blogs to come.  I saw David Sedaris last night and I intend to journal and be just like him when I grow up.  

I have you missed you my pretties!

Love,

Kitty Diamonds (Bitch who be cluckin' on her phone in line)

The Original Badass

1.   I would like to apologize for the extreme gaping hole that has been in your life due to my lack of blogging, I will try my best to be better, but I make no promises.

2.   So one of my first blogs was about Country Rock, if you remember, if not go back and read it.  I bring this up because I have decided that I will create a bucket list for Athens, per my friend Mindy’s inspiration. This bucket list will include Country Rock and the bar that I will blog about below. This is obviously a running list.  That is all I have so far. 

So four lesbians walk into a bar… This bar is Mell’s Tavern to be exact, a karaoke bar on the far west side of Athens.  And in this bar are frequenters of Mell’s Tavern. Folks who like to adorn themselves with the confederate flag to augment their southern heritage.  Now I understand this need, but for some reason the confederate flag assaults my eyeballs.  That is all I will say, one time I said too much about this and I made someone cry and I feel real bad about it, so I am keeping it brief. 

Needless to say I was a little nervous walking in with my fellow lady lovers, but we marched on because one of our members is an excellent singer and I love to line dance.  One of the confederate flag shirts has the flag and then the words “The original badass” above it.  Curious as to who this original badass is, I peer at the front of his shirt to read the words, Hank Williams Jr (see below). 

So a little background on Mell’s karaoke choices and the overall ambiance of the bar… As far as choices of songs, every country song ever written in history is available and any pop song written before 1981 is also available.  As far as the layout of the bar goes, there are some pool tables on the far side, a bar and then the karaoke room, where there sits the karaoke master, with his cowboy hat and regulation size belt buckle, a few tables, a cleared area for dancing and two “stripper” poles. 

Back to the story, we get our pitcher of bud light and start browsing the song list. Our resident karaeoker picks a few songs, I boogie down to the cupid shuffle with the locals.  So we are now welcome participants in the fun.  One woman, a rural housewife if you will, sits down at our table and tells us she is tired because she has 7 kids at home, so she is sorry but she doesn’t think she has seen us in here before.  Sweet lady, so we introduce ourselves. 

You shook me all night long was chosen by two of our party and the crowd went wild.  It seemed like all the bar came to the dance floor, and the poles were an integral part of the dancing.  In fact I am pretty sure one of the poles got pregnant. 

As the night progresses a particularly intoxicated young gentleman attempts to dance with each one of us unsuccessfully.  After four declines, his friend comes over and lets us know he is going to lose twenty bucks if one of us doesn’t dance with him.  So I kindly tell him, if he gives me that twenty dollars, I would love to dance with his friend.  I pocket the twenty, dance with his friend, and cell phones surface for photographic evidence. 

After the dance we all sit back down, and the sir who paid me 20 bucks, came to the table to let us know that we could dance with each other if we wanted to.  Which I thought was very sweet that he let us know it was cool.  So we do and cell phones surface for photographic evidence once again.  I haven’t tried youtubing Lesbians in Mell’s, but we might be famous. 

Slowly the night comes to an end and the last few karaoke itches were scratched.

As we headed to parking lot, our new friend yelled to us “I too like vagina!”

Nothing like a common bond to bring different walks of life together.  Thank you Mell’s for a memorable and accepting evening.  Maybe now the confederate flag will be a little less offensive to my eyes.  

Hongry

Midden me this

To whet your appetite.  More to come I promise.  I am feeling a lot of pressure from my nineteen followers. 

My coworker who will remain unnamed has inspired this blog.  But if you wanna know I will tell you and said coworker will probably too. 

So one day at work I was really hungry, and I asked this coworker if she had any snacks.  She replied confidently, “Look in my midden.”  I blinked a few times replying, “Your what?” A high cabinet door opens, “My midden.”  This midden was filled with a myriad of perishables and non-perishables.  It seemed as if she was preparing for the coming apocalypse with this midden, or at least for being stuck at work over night.  I also thought it was funny she called it a midden, because it means (I learned recently) a trash heap and she offered me snacks from this trash heap.  When she called it a midden at first I just assumed midden meant food pile, but it means trash pile.  But I think it can mean both.

Midden- (defined by Wikipedia)

also known as a kitchen midden, or a shell heap (when they contain a large number of shellfish remains), is a dump for domestic waste.

 The word is of Scandinavian via Middle English derivation, but is used by archaeologists worldwide to describe any kind of feature containing waste products relating to day-to-day human life.

They may be convenient, single-use pits created by nomadic groups or long-term, designated dumps used by sedentary communities that accumulate over several generations.

However when you learn what is in her midden, you will know why it is referred to as a midden. 

I asked her to provide me a list of the things that could be found in the midden.

1. A 2-year-old smucker's jelly jar full of almond butter

2. A bottle of Green Tea Fat Metabolizer my sister gave me to help me not be so fat.

3. 3 different pumps for exercise balls. (She has all these pumps because over the course of the winter she popped three exercise balls by getting to close to the space heater in her office)

4. Numerous (let the record show that she spelled it numberous) plastic bags

5. Rolaids, gum, dental floss, fingernail polish remover, sea salt from Mesopotamia, many packs of soy sauce and spicy Chinese mustard.

6. A hot water bottle

Needless to say, I now keep a midden.  I used to share a desk, but now I have my own desk, where I am free to express my midden desires. 
My coworker, who will now be identified because I don't want to change the name from the gchat, said I should tell yall what is in my midden

Currently in my midden......
Jesslyn:  what's in your midden?
 me:  nothing righ tnow:(
should i just make some stuff up
 Jesslyn:  lame
you can't have a midden with nothing in it
 me:  it was full but then i cleaned it out
i know
Jesslyn:  ah
 me:  i mean there is some stuff
like an empty tupperwear
a few tea bags
a chocolate wrapper
 Jesslyn:  tea bags! nice
 me:  plastic bags
 Jesslyn:  yeah--the perfect midden is a mixture of trash and nontrash items
 me:  exercise ball patch kit, extra stopper
 Jesslyn:  like a purse
 me:  mucinex
 Jesslyn:  patch kit!?
 Jesslyn:  nobody told me about patch kits
mucinex!
perfect!
over the counter drugs are essential for a midden
extra points if it's weird and herbal and fat burning 
me:  i dont know if it is a patch kit but i wanted to make you jealous
there is also tape
the thing is my midden cant be too gross because I share an office


Go forth and start keeping your own midden, 2012 is right around the corner. 

Life Lessons from the Cat Massage Lady ....

Step One:  Watch this video.



Step Two:  Integrate Life Lessons from MaryJean Ballner into everyday life.

I realize you may feel overwhelmed after watching this video.

Things you may be saying to yourself or doing.
"I don't have a cat, and if I did I probably wouldn't massage it. Does this make me a bad hypothetical pet owner?"
Humming "Slow down you move to fast"
Or
Rushing home to massage your kitty.

Hold your horses there.   I want you to first "Slow down, you move too fast."  Sit tight, I want to share with you the important lessons I have teased out of this video.


1.  We touch all the time, so why not be ther best at it.
Well said Mrs. Ballner
Maryjean expands on this life lesson throughout the video.
My favorite "Petting is passé.  Petting is just randomly petting, most people go mid-back. -eh."
Lessons learned, stay away from the midback area, and randomly petting.
She also instructs on how to use our hands. "If your right handed use right, lefthanded use left

Orrrrr if your left handed use right and visa versa."  OR "Use two hands to double your pleasure and double your fun."

And finally the front of your cat is a veritable treasure chest of fun.  ( I will not comment further here)  

All you need to know is that "you don’t need a swimming pool for this breast stroking!!!!"

2. Slow down your moving too fast, that says a lot about life and a lot about cat massage.  

This is where the copyright of this life lesson, gets a little confusing, do we credit Maryjean or Simon and Garfunkel.


In my opinion, they all want us to slow down and enjoy life's little pleasure, like speaking to lamp posts, feeling groovy, and cat massage.
I mean how often do we find ourselves just rushing through life to get to the next thing.  We can all take a few deep breaths and get back to the basics.  

MJB (Maryjean Ballner)  expands on this topic by saying "What may seem excruciatingly slow to us is sooooo appropriate to your feline."  I like to think we can take this sentence and apply it to our regular lives.   Por ejemplo "What may seem excruciatingly slow to us is so appropriate for the person in front of you checking out at the grocery store."
 "What may seem excruciatingly slow to us is sooooo appropriate for a 100 year old Sunday driver."
And so on. 

3. Positive thinking and positive affirmations help us get through life.
MJB has her eyes on the prize.  She knows what she wants in life.  What did she name her cat, Champion AKA Champer Dampers.
She also let's Champion know how special he is by positive affirmations.
"Who is the best cat in the whole United States, it's you Champer Dampers, it's you!!!"
Be sure you are letting those loved ones how you feel about them, take a page from MJB book.  But also keep in mind what she says right after this comment.  "BORING!"  MJB recognizes that the public doesn't want to see this for long, she just wanted to give a peek into her relationship with Champer Dampers and then she knows this is BORING.  So be sure to positively affirm those in your life, but don't bore those around you.

4.  Lastly "When to cat massage?  WHENEVER"

Exactly

A different take on "everything in moderation."  

New Slogan.  

Everything... Whenever.  

Can you??????

So I am considering purchasing a wii.  So this led me to google “can you watch hulu on a wii.”  But before I could get it all the way through google had decided that it knew what I was asking.  The number one decision it had make for me was “can you get pregnant on your period.”  Which those two things are a little different. 

Sooo anyway this has inspired by blog today.  After finding the first suggestion amusing.  I began googling can you … with a random letter.  The list is below of my favorites.

1. Can you get pregnant on your period?  (#1 as according to google)
2. Can you zumba while pregnant?  Well if I am gonna get pregnant can I still zumba.
3. Can you name your child anything?  Because when you be getting pregnant on your period, you might want to name your baby something like zumba.
4. Can you Xray through peanut butter?  Hmmmm do you think this person ifs going to cover themselves in peanut butter to hide a broken bone, or something else? 
5. Can you vaporize saliva?  I don’t even know, but it sounds like the said googler might have been vaporizing something else in order to come up with this question.
6. Can you compost dog poop?  Ummm what do you use your compost for?  I personally put mine on my garden, and umm yeah then I eat that garden stuff.  Walter be nasty. 
7. Can you get uggs wet?  An important question asked by sorority girls world wide. “Ummmmmmmm can like my uggs get wet?  It snowed here or whatever. “
8. Can you wash uggs?  Mine got wet. 
9. Can you buy beer on Christmas in Georgia?  No Santa will bring it to you if you have been good.
10. My personal favorite.  Can you pay my bills?  Ha!  Who is this question directed to?
11. Can you grow out of ADD?   Well I know I haven’t I was supposed to be working and then I ummm got distracted by thinking about a wii, and then if I got one, if I could watch hulu on it, and then I got distracted when google asked me can you get pregnant on your period, and then I started blogging. So no I don’t think you can grow out of ADD. 
12. Can you make money blogging?  How many silly bloggers type that in a day.  Well if you keep asking this question instead of blogging, probably not.
13. Can you teach me how to dougie?   WHAT!  Well it turns out it is song by CalSwag.  Warning this song contains explicit lyrics.  But yeah, I could teach you how to dougie. 
14. Can you move out at 17 in Georgia?  How many 13-16 year old teenagers are at their computer grounded googling the age you can move out.  Well apparently a lot. 
15. Can you lose your salivation?  It actually said salvation, but I read salivation.  And I was like OMG if that many people are asking about vaporizing saliva, then they probably want to know if you can lose you ability to salivate after trying to vaporize their saliva. But I will probably lose my salvation for not taking this one seriously enough. 
16. Internet user: Can you keep a secret?  Google: No
17. Can you die from weed?  Same guy who tried to vaporize his saliva. 
18. Can you end a sentence in a preposition?  Only if the south is where you are from at. 
19. Can you stand the rain?  This is not a question asking how much precipitation you can put up with.  It is a song.  Apparently millions of peoples jam by New Edition. 
20. Can you yell fire in a crowded theatre?  I love it!  A rebel with a conscious.  If you have to ask if it is ok, then you probably shouldn’t do it.  And what the hell apparently a lot of people have this question.  Next time I go to a crowded theatre I am gonna watch my back. 

That is all. 

Ask and you shall recieve.

Holidays are the time for getting awesome stuff.

Wig Bag.

What?

Yeah

So you may remember the post about wig pride, if you don't you may read it.  Well a few days/weeks after I wrote about how we should all have wig pride, a bag of wigs appeared on my street.   So my friend Jesslyn Sheilds has blogged briefly about this bag of wigs and how I believe it came from a hooker. You may read this blog here -> http://cloudlesssulphur.blogspot.com/2010/12/narcissistic-narwhal.html.   This is one theory.  Those of you who know Athens, I live in a neighborhood where there is a plethora of hookers around, so it is not unlikely that a hooker may have been the owner of this bag of wigs.  But why did these wigs end up on the street?  My theories are as follows.
1. There an incident where the hooker had to make a quick get away and in order to gain more speed dropped the weight of the wig bag.
2. Someone got angry at their girlfriend or boyfriend and threw their partners wig bag out the car.
3. I blogged about wigs and wig pride and the wig goddess bestowed upon me a bag of wigs and missed my doorstep because the military scrambles GPS signals just a little bit.
4. The wig owner underwent hair replacement therapy and in an act of newly found freedom from the wig, chucked that old tired bag of wigs onto the street.

Feel free to vote on your favorite theory.

Bring Your Green Hat

Of recent, I decided to join a few friends and participate in the Atlanta Santa Speedo Race.  This event is a fundraiser for Camp Twin Lakes, and people donate money to run mostly nude through the streets of Atlanta at a “sanctioned” event.  I will not post pictures of this but you can google it and find a myriad of photos and videos.  What I want to convey to you about this event is how it felt a lot like streaking through the streets of Atlanta.  So did I bring my green hat you may ask?  Well no, but I donned my underwear/bathing suit, Santa hat, red and white knee high socks with the rest of the brave exhibitionists and ran 1.7 miles through the heart of Virginia Highland.  The streets were lined with people who had come to watch these brave souls.  But one thing I did not expect was that each of these spectators had their phones pointed at us, were they trying to get my number because I looked so attractive running in the street in my underwear?  No, well not all of them.  They were documenting this event by either photo or video on their phone or camera. 

Lessoned I learned this weekend:  In the 21^st century your decisions will be documented . . . and shared.

As a side note . . .I do not regret the things I have done.  

Have you read my blog?

Raising awareness about the mom jean.

You asked and therefore you shall receive. 

A while back now.  In fact ashamingly long ago, I hosted a mom jeans party.  You may ask yourself, what is a mom jeans party. Or what are mom jeans.  I would be disappointed in you, but I will answer anyways.  Mom jeans are jeans that are NOT flattering to the female form.  They can take several forms.  As demonstrated below.

You may ask, what prompted you to have this awesome and incredibly creative mom jeans party.  Well, there were several inspirations for this mom jeans party. 

1.     I own a pair of mom jeans , for just such an occasion.

As a side not I got stung by a bee earlier that day, you can see it on my chest.  

2.     I believe everyone should own a pair of mom jeans and by holding a party that requires people to buy mom jeans, I can help this belief come to fruition. 

3.     Have you seen this video.  http://www.hulu.com/watch/10333/saturday-night-live-mom-jeans
It is good and you will now watch it.

4.     I love having theme parties and wearing costumes and this was an excuse to do both. 

What makes a good mom jean?

1.     A least a 9 inch zipper.  Please refer to the video or provided photo for the scale of what this means.

9 inch zipper, mmm hmm

2.     Preferably a tapered leg, with boochy (boo-chee)  hips.  Yeah I made up boochy, but it describes what is happening perfectly so don’t argue with me, and intergrate it in your normal vocabulary.  If you could refer to the pictures below and view what I mean by boochy. 


Footnote:  I just looked up Boochy on urban dictionary, and apparently it means frequent user of cocaine. Just wanted to warn you, but we all know what it really means.   

3.     An acid wash.

4.     Very tiiiiiight or very loose fitting (boochy).  Nothing in between. 

Tight on the left, boochy on the right.  

5.     Lumbar support.  Mom’s carry babies, groceries, and other mom things.  They can have back pain.  If the pockets come up onto the back it can provide quite a bit of support I found out.

Look how much support their backs are receiving!

On a last note, I think mom jeans are making a come back.  But I think people are wearing them ironically, please google hipster if you need more information about people wearing things ironically.  Hipsters wear things such as fanny packs, mom jean shorts, glasses without lenses (oh wait).  Anyways, that is a whole other subject that I don't feel like talking about.

What I want you to be aware of when choosing to wear mom jeans ironically if whether or you can pull them off.  I will now provide you with two examples.  You tell me who pulled it off and who didn't.

I was wearing that wig.

So the bloggers are together, so we will post a blog together.   

A story of the law and wig empowerment. 

A drinking club, The Chapter, has been meeting at the Ramada (currently The Grand Soleil) on the bluffs of Natchez overlooking the Mississippi River for 32 years.  For 32 years(!), this group comprised mostly of educators, has gathered at 5pm Fridays for cocktails and occasionally dinner.  They share stories, good, bad, and humiliating.  They laugh. They ruse.  Good times are had by all. 

 I have heard many incredible, sometimes unbelievable stories throughout my years with the group. Today, one in particular stands. We are discussing Wig Shame at icanseerightupthemshorts.blogspot.com this week, and what a shame it is.  For whatever the reason (i.e. sickness, baldness, costume), wig wearing should not be shameful.  No, it should be liberating.  So, this week I bring you a wig story from HWY 61 in MS, a story about a wig and justice.

Let me set the scene.  Picture it, HWY 61, Natchez, MS, nighttime.  You there? Susie was.  She was sitting at a red light at the bottom of a very long, steep hill in her Oldsmobile.  Lights came up over the top of this hill in her rearview, and Susie looked up to see a car flying over the crest of the hill.  Her eyes flashed back at the red light, still red(!), then back to the speeding car.  It was barreling down the hill, moving faster, she believed, now moving into her lane.  Susie looked back at the red light and then quickly back to the car.  Susie realized this car was not going to stop.  No. It was going to drive right through her.  With no time to jump or steer clear she let off the brake and braced for impact. BAM. SLAM. NOM. NOM. NOM.

911 was called and the police, a fire truck, and an ambulance arrived.  All involved survived with only minor injuries, scrapes and bruises. Susie sat in her rear-ended Oldsmobile.  She received assistance from the Paramedics and awaited the police officer so she could recount the incident.  He came over and went through a list of preliminary questions (i.e. name, age, address, insurance). Susie provided all the necessary information.  Then he asked her, “What happened?” 

Susie described the car flying over the hill, moving into her lane, and slamming into her Oldsmobile.  The officer said that the driver of the other vehicle claimed that he wasn’t speeding.  Susie said, “Are you kidding?! Look at the rear end of my car!”  The officer smiled and then asked Susie if she had any other proof.  Proof?! Shocked and bewildered, Susie grabbed the wheel and wondered if she was seriously going to have to accept the blame for being rear-ended.  What more proof did he need?! She wiped her face with her hand and realized something missing.  She turned to look in the back and spotted it in the rear window.  Susie  tuned back to the officer and said, “Not speeding, huh?  I can prove it! See that luscious wig?” pointing to the rear windshield. I was wearing it!!” It was a beautiful day for wig wearers everywhere! 

So next time you are second guessing wearing that pink, green, blonde, brunette wig.  Don’t you dare!  We say don that wig and walk the streets with no wig shame, but wig pride!   You never know when your wig can be used as evidence or disguise.  

Country Rock

Ok loyal 5 followers.  I am officially the worst blogger on the face of the planet.  I started a blog because I was inspired by seeing a women adorning a sleeveless turtleneck sweater.  And well I have been inspired again.  This weekend I went to country rock twice!

You:  What is country rock?

Me:  It is a dance club that plays both country music for line dancing purposes and hiphop/rap(whatever the kids are calling it these days for grinding purposes.   Imagine going to Panama City Beach and scooping up all the spring breakers and dropping them into country rock for an evening of dancing.  That is what it is like.

You: Oh.... I want to go...once...why did you go twice?

Me:  Well, let me tell you.


So Friday night we were drawn to country rock like a moth is drawn to a flame.  Unfortunately when we arrived, we were horrifically surprised to find out that a live band was playing.  This band was limited in their ability to play anything but terrible country, so needless to say the place was empty and we left disappointed.  Luckily there was some good fashion for viewing before we vanished.  Like a white oxford shirt with a vest attached to it only it the front because really the back part of a vest just gets in the damn way. If you need a visual google people of walmart and browse.  www.peopleofwalmart.com

Ok so that was night one, night two occurs for two reasons.

1.  Our friend Kimmy was also there for a second night, drawn there like a moth is drawn to a flame no doubt.
2.  I left my credit card there.

So after a sophisticated evening at the symphony we go to country rock.  This night there is no live band.  And it is like walking into the scene from dirty dancing where they are all dancing real dirtylike, but fast forward 30 years and adorn the dancers with cowboy hats and the latest Walmart fashions.
There was a lot of crunching (the term for grinding used by my turkish friend Uzay)  going on.  Everyone was crunching everywhere.  Crunching front to front, back to back, front to back, butt to face.  You get the point.

Crunchers

Then we started looking closer at these crunchers and the majority of them looked like zombies.  You know white faces and black eyes.

Then one girl offered so graciously to dance with us.  When we declined she asked us "are we to wiiiiiiaaaald (wild) for y'all?"  She breathed her meth breath onto us.  Moments later her head smacked the concrete.  She was too wild for us.  So zombies or meth heads, the country rock clientele provides hours of entertainment.  I highly recommend a visit.

Anyways long story short.  I wanted to share my dual country rock experience.  As I think it is a good intro for the guest posting from my partner in blog, Jamey Hudnall.  He actually contributed this a while ago and I was too lazy to put it up.   So here it is!

Guest Blog! The Summer Button-down

The Summer Button-down is a standard in rural fashion.  

It's incredible versatility allows it to pass as dressy or casual depending on the affair.  Button it up for a night out with your lady; keep it half-buttoned for a night out with your lady;  keep it completely unbuttoned for a night out with your lady.  Wife-beaters often pair it with a ball cap, a limited vocabulary, and a tank top (though it can be worn over sunburned skin alone.)  Popular Summer Button-down fabrics include aged flannel and king cotton.  It's great for warm climates as it is barely passes as clothing. 

As a fashion statement, it seems to proudly say, "I'm a bigot that can fashion a burning cross faster than MacGyver."  Wear your Summer Button-down with pride!

Summer Button-down caught in action

Sleeveless Turtlenecks and Dickeys what is the difference?

Lots.   Now don’t get me wrong, the sleeveless turtleneck had its hayday in my closet in the 90s along with velour button down shirts and bell-bottom jeans.  But…… I don’t own or wear them anymore.  I actually am really ashamed that I ever donned the sleeveless turtleneck (SLTN) mostly for its unbelievable impracticality.  There is a website called things that white people like.  On this list is wearing scarves in the summer.  I agree that this could be impractical, but lets discuss the difference between a scarf and a sleeveless turtleneck.  You can remove the scarf when you get too warm, but when you get too warm wearing your sleeveless turtleneck you CAN’T remove it. 

Ok on to the dickey.  If you are not familiar with the dickey, watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.   The dickey is prominently featured.  Let me just preface this I do not own a dickey and I probably will never own a dickey, but the dickey holds a special place in my heart.   Similar to the scarf, unlike the SLTN the dickey can be removed.   

Moral of the story….

If you own a sleeveless turtleneck

1.           Do not wear it
2.           Donate it
3.           Use it to wash your car
4.           DO NOT bring it to a clothing swap to tempt someone else into taking it

If you do not own a sleeveless turtleneck.

1.            Congratulations
2.           DO NOT under any circumstances buy a sleeveless turtleneck or circum to the temptation of trying one on at a store or at a clothing swap

     If you own a dickey

1.               Host an ugly Christmas sweater party (also things that white people like)
2.                Never get rid of it
3.           Consider wearing just the dickey to casual Friday at work. 

If you don’t own a dickey

1.       Get one