Gerds the word

People:
I guess I didn't really tell you why I decided to torture myself and abstain from all things wonderful.  Just kidding, we have been eating really well. But I might go to Arby's after the cleanse just to dirty up the body a little.
Well recently I had a bit of a health situation. I felt like someone was strangling me for about 2 months. But not so much that I couldn't breathe, just enough to really freak me out. It was horrible, horrifying, #thoughtihadcancer kind of health sitch.  I didn't have a doctor in town so I had to go to a doc in the box, and I took two rounds of antibiotics, which I do not like to take, but when a phantom disease monster is strangling you, you are like gimmmmmmmmme gimmmme gimmmeee those drugs. Or at least I was, maybe you're not, but I was.  Well that did not help AT ALL, except to kill everything good and sanctimonious in my body.  So I went to a witch doctor (Naturopath) and she was like you probably have gerd. Which I was like WHAT IS THAT?! That sounds like something someone old or very ill should have. Not me. Yeah I am 31, and I am not as young as I used to be, but I mean I still get carded at bars. Someone who gets carded doesn't have ger.... whatchimacallit.  So she send me to a GI Doctor (Innerworkings doctor) and I had a photoshoot of my esophagus and other bits along the way.  Turns out I do have Esophagitis (inflammation of the esophagus) which I guess some people call GERD (Gastroesophageal reflux disease), so you can just go around calling me Gerdtrud from now on. Anyway I am trying to give up the things that are tasty and also apparently mean and strangley, like coffee, hot sauce, citrusy things. I thought the cleanse would be a good way to do this and I decided to drag 3 other victims down with me. 

On Day 3, I had a headache and had to take a nap using Walter as a pillow in my office today, but I still feel pretty good over all. Recipes to follow.

So those of you who are keen in mind will notice, it is not really day 3 of the cleanse, but play along.  I will try to whip out the rest of them a little faster. 

Eatin more and feeling better...

Alrighty, you ready for day two of the Standard Process Cleanse.

So today I resolved to eat more so I didn't want to kill, eat and bury everyone I came in contact with, which happened at like 4pm yesterday. I was so calorie starved.  Not really how I roll, when people tell me they "forgot to eat today," for me that would be like "forgetting to breathe." Me love to eat.

I am gonna keep this down and dirty.  Literally dirty, the beets we bought at Earthfare were so incredibly covered in dirt, which as I type this I am realizing I paid for dirt. Damnit.

Breakfast

Green Smoothie (Breakfast of Hippy Champions)
2 scoops of hemp protein
19 blades of wheatgrass (I never thought I would put wheatgrass in anything and I am still not sure what is good for, but we bought some at the Dekalb Farmer's market)
 5 1/2 dandelion greens ( I mean where do you get these? Well I found them and I am not telling you. But you could probably find them in a powercut somewhere)
Handfull of spinach
1/2 cup of pineapple
2 dates for sweetness and cuteness
2 tbsps of parsely because apparently that stuff is all about detox
Blend that junk.

Second Breakfast (Secondzies)
I told you I don't forget to eat.

Saladtown
Enough various greens to fill the bowl (figure it out)
Chopped red Cabbage
Minced red onion
Blueberries
Dressing (Hemp oil, lime juice, salt pepper)
Nutrional Yeast on top (Do it, don't look at me like that)
Put it all in a bowl.

I remembered to take a picture halfway through
This was so good.  

Lunch

Carrot Ginger Apple Soup
It's like should I write the recipe down?
Carrots, Ginger, Apple
HAHAHAHHA
There is some other stuff
1/2 and onion
1 clove garlic
Water (but you could use veggie broth)

In a soup pot, saute the onion then add garlic, apparently that is the order of sauteeing because that is what ALL the cookbooks say.
Then chop the rest of the stuff up and put it in the pot and then boil that junk.  After the carrots are soft, turn off the heat and let it cool.  Once cool enough put in food processor or blender.



Second Lunch Protein Powder
To keep the beast happy. 
2 cups coconut milk
1 scoop vega vanilla protien powder

Dinner 

Roasted Broccoli with Avocado Pesto
Repeat from last night

Spinach Lentil Fennel Soup

It looks like baby diarrhea but it tastes better.

I used this vegetarian times recipe without the wine.
Side note: My neighbor saw me outside picking some Thyme and was like what are you doing? I said making fennel spinach and lentil soup.  Which suddenly sounded weird and hippy and earthy so I acted cool and was like it will probably be gross. But this was actually pretty good. 

 




Avocado Chutney
I happened upon this woman's blog while looking for recipes.  This will be on repeat after the cleanse. So delicious.


Dessert
I made banana "ice cream" by accident. I mean, it was delicious.  When dairy queen is closed, you should have this.

Banana Ice Cream
Frozen Banana (I didn't have enough so I added regular banana, which is why I added the ice, but I think you should add both)
"Do you want a frozen banana?" "No, but I want a regular banana later, so .... yeah." Mitch Hedberg
1 cup coconut milk
1 scoop Vega vanilla protein powder
1 cup of ice

Alright party people, let's talk tomorrow.

Fruits and Veggies in your Face

Oh my god. I forgot I even had a blog.  I am the worst.
But I am back!
I am going to post about something potentially boring, but its happening so deal with it.
My girlfriend and I and another couple in town have decided to do a "cleanse."  I wouldn't really call it a cleanse, it is more like we are trying to eat fruits and veggies for 7 days. You can also have a serving of brown rice or lentils once a day.  So in other words, no alcohol, no coffee, no dairy which subsequently means no cheese (sigh).   But I thought I would do a blog post about our week mostly to keep me honest, but also to share some recipes.
My inspiration for this cleanse was a woman, named Laura Hall, we have hung out a few times, and I follow her blog, sprint2thetable.com.   She has great recipes.  Check her out.
She explains the cleanse here.
http://www.sprint2thetable.com/2012/02/cleanse-recap-a-new-addition/
Also we have two cookbooks by Brendan Brazier.  Thrive foods and Thrive Fitness the Vegan nutrition cookbook.  He has great recipes for smoothies and plant-based meals.  We use them all the time anyway, but they are both a great resource this week.  You can check him out here.
http://thriveforward.com/
We also use his products too.  http://myvega.com/ You will see me cite them in recipes. 

So on day 1, we had a blueberry and banana smoothie in the morning, snacked on carrots, apples, and oranges for lunch, and then roasted broccoli with avocado pesto, sweet potato fries, and spicy lentils for dinner.
Side note: We got a Vitamix for Christmas, which is expensive, but I have to say worth its weight in gold.  I LOVE it. You don't even understand how awesome it is.  I LOVE it.  So we will use the Vitamix to make smoothies, soups, and sauces. But all can be done in blender or food processor.   Now for some recipes and a few pictures. I will try to take more the rest of the week, sorry for the scarcity today.
 
Day 1:
Breakfast

Blueberry Banana Smoothie 
2 cups water
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
1 frozen banana (we buy them at the store and then peel, cut them up and freeze them for ease of adding to smoothies)
1 scoop of Vega Vanilla Protein Powder

Lunch
Apple
Orange
Carrots
(This was not enough food, I was cranky and tired by dinner time, see Day 2 for more food :))

Dinner

Roasted Broccoli and Avocado Pesto (from Thrive Cookbook by Brendan Brazier)
Roast Broccoli at 475 until browned it took my oven about 12 minutes
Avocado Pesto
1 avocado
1-2 cups of parsley or basil or spinach (whatever you have on hand, I used all)
1/2 cup of lemon juice
2 cloves garlic
2 tbsp of dulse (or some seaweed type thing)
Sea salt and pepper

Add all ingredients to vitamix or food processor and blend.

Sweet Potato Fries
Roasted at 475 for about 20 minutes with coconut oil, sea salt and pepper

Spicy Lentils (From Thrive Foods by Brendan Brazier
1 cup lentils 
1 clove garlic
1/4 cup minced red onion
1/2 jalapeno diced
2 tomatoes
2 tbsp lemon juice
1/4 cup Cilantro or parsley
2 tsp apple cider vinegar
2 tsp olive oil
sea salt

Cook or sprout the lentils and then add all together in a large mixing bowl.

Stay tuned for day 2. 

Interesting enough....

Holy cow. I had to blog about this because the world needs to know that there are crazies out there. So I have been trying to sell a couch on craigslist. I put an ad up for it with a picture. It says the usual. A couch for sale blah blah blah.  Then I get this email from this lady. 

"Hello- interestingly enough, your sofa might work for me. I am a grad student/ mom who has 3 (under grad and grad) students in Athens. The kids have been cleaning me out- both my checking account as well as my furniture. The grad student is taking the sofa from my living room on Wednesday- I do not have the time nor inclination to shop for furniture. I am looking for something to replace the sofa that the grad student is taking. The painting over my sofa is an oil/Paris scene- has a lot of gold and black and it is in a room with a black baby grand. I want to furnish around these two pieces. I just can not tell if your sofa will fit/match by the picture on Craigslist. Is it actually covered or will I need to get it upholstered? When one sits on it does it sag?( as does the one leaving my home with the grad student) I am actually looking for something on the small side because the piano takes up so much room. However, I do want something in decent shape.
Let me know soon if this might work- if it does, we will have the truck on Wednesday and I will want to work around that schedule. "

I felt like this guy after he tried to sell some cinder blocks. http://imgur.com/KqIme 
I mean I honestly don't give a fuck whether the couch goes with your grand piano or the paris scene oil print that you probably got at home goods. Interestingly enough, I don't give a flying fliparoo. One should come sit on the couch to see if one like the couch.  Jesus lady.

The Lost Types of Bitches

Hey Friends,

   I thought I would break my silence with a guest blog. This is a blog from my friend Susie Weller.  We played soccer together in college and got in lots of trouble together.  She actually wrote this a while ago, but I am a huge slacker and have not put it up for no good reason.  This blog is an addition to the list of types of bitches that was found in an elementary school in the DC area.  The list can be found here.  http://andiamnotlying.com/2010/types-of-bitches/  As you can see 44-58 are missing, Susie has filled in that gap.  

Types of Bitches

1. Cross-eyed bitches
2. Bitches who you can’t see where they lookin cuz they cross-eyed
3. Bitches who be leavin their phone, wallet, sunglasses, and coats everywhere
4. Bitches who be tappin their fingernails on counters
5. Bitches who be cluckin on the phone in line
6. Bitches with yappy ass dogs
7. Rhinestone-iphone carrying bitches
8. Bitches who be poppin a squat in public
9. Bitches who always be suckin on blow pops
10. Bitches who be wearin rompers even tho they know they give ‘em camel toes
11. Botox bitches
12. Bitches with baby hands.  
13. Ugly bitches who stay skinny to make up for it
14. Flat chested bitches
15. Big booby bitches
16. Big booby bitches who look down on flat and medium chested bitches
17. Dinner plate nipple bitches
18. Stuffin’ their bras bitches
19. Unhygienic bitches
20. Bitches with five heads
21. Paleolithic lookin’ bitches
22. Bitches who jealous of me cuz they know I prettier than them
23. Elusive bitches
24. Asian bitches who only like things that are miniature
25. Miniature sized bitches 
26. Bitches who ain't got no sense of humor and look down on me for writing a list about bitches

My one addition to the types of bitches is  "Adult braces wearing bitches."  

Stay tuned more blogs to come.  I saw David Sedaris last night and I intend to journal and be just like him when I grow up.  

I have you missed you my pretties!

Love,

Kitty Diamonds (Bitch who be cluckin' on her phone in line)

The Original Badass

1.   I would like to apologize for the extreme gaping hole that has been in your life due to my lack of blogging, I will try my best to be better, but I make no promises.

2.   So one of my first blogs was about Country Rock, if you remember, if not go back and read it.  I bring this up because I have decided that I will create a bucket list for Athens, per my friend Mindy’s inspiration. This bucket list will include Country Rock and the bar that I will blog about below. This is obviously a running list.  That is all I have so far. 

So four lesbians walk into a bar… This bar is Mell’s Tavern to be exact, a karaoke bar on the far west side of Athens.  And in this bar are frequenters of Mell’s Tavern. Folks who like to adorn themselves with the confederate flag to augment their southern heritage.  Now I understand this need, but for some reason the confederate flag assaults my eyeballs.  That is all I will say, one time I said too much about this and I made someone cry and I feel real bad about it, so I am keeping it brief. 

Needless to say I was a little nervous walking in with my fellow lady lovers, but we marched on because one of our members is an excellent singer and I love to line dance.  One of the confederate flag shirts has the flag and then the words “The original badass” above it.  Curious as to who this original badass is, I peer at the front of his shirt to read the words, Hank Williams Jr (see below). 

So a little background on Mell’s karaoke choices and the overall ambiance of the bar… As far as choices of songs, every country song ever written in history is available and any pop song written before 1981 is also available.  As far as the layout of the bar goes, there are some pool tables on the far side, a bar and then the karaoke room, where there sits the karaoke master, with his cowboy hat and regulation size belt buckle, a few tables, a cleared area for dancing and two “stripper” poles. 

Back to the story, we get our pitcher of bud light and start browsing the song list. Our resident karaeoker picks a few songs, I boogie down to the cupid shuffle with the locals.  So we are now welcome participants in the fun.  One woman, a rural housewife if you will, sits down at our table and tells us she is tired because she has 7 kids at home, so she is sorry but she doesn’t think she has seen us in here before.  Sweet lady, so we introduce ourselves. 

You shook me all night long was chosen by two of our party and the crowd went wild.  It seemed like all the bar came to the dance floor, and the poles were an integral part of the dancing.  In fact I am pretty sure one of the poles got pregnant. 

As the night progresses a particularly intoxicated young gentleman attempts to dance with each one of us unsuccessfully.  After four declines, his friend comes over and lets us know he is going to lose twenty bucks if one of us doesn’t dance with him.  So I kindly tell him, if he gives me that twenty dollars, I would love to dance with his friend.  I pocket the twenty, dance with his friend, and cell phones surface for photographic evidence. 

After the dance we all sit back down, and the sir who paid me 20 bucks, came to the table to let us know that we could dance with each other if we wanted to.  Which I thought was very sweet that he let us know it was cool.  So we do and cell phones surface for photographic evidence once again.  I haven’t tried youtubing Lesbians in Mell’s, but we might be famous. 

Slowly the night comes to an end and the last few karaoke itches were scratched.

As we headed to parking lot, our new friend yelled to us “I too like vagina!”

Nothing like a common bond to bring different walks of life together.  Thank you Mell’s for a memorable and accepting evening.  Maybe now the confederate flag will be a little less offensive to my eyes.  

Hongry