Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Lost Types of Bitches

Hey Friends,
   I thought I would break my silence with a guest blog. This is a blog from my friend Susie Weller.  We played soccer together in college and got in lots of trouble together.  She actually wrote this a while ago, but I am a huge slacker and have not put it up for no good reason.  This blog is an addition to the list of types of bitches that was found in an elementary school in the DC area.  The list can be found here.  http://andiamnotlying.com/2010/types-of-bitches/  As you can see 44-58 are missing, Susie has filled in that gap.  

Types of Bitches

  1. Cross-eyed bitches
  2. Bitches who you can’t see where they lookin cuz they cross-eyed
  3. Bitches who be leavin their phone, wallet, sunglasses, and coats everywhere
  4. Bitches who be tappin their fingernails on counters
  5. Bitches who be cluckin on the phone in line
  6. Bitches with yappy ass dogs
  7. Rhinestone-iphone carrying bitches
  8. Bitches who be poppin a squat in public
  9. Bitches who always be suckin on blow pops
  10. Bitches who be wearin rompers even tho they know they give ‘em camel toes
  11. Botox bitches
  12. Bitches with baby hands.  
  13. Ugly bitches who stay skinny to make up for it
  14. Flat chested bitches
  15. Big booby bitches
  16. Big booby bitches who look down on flat and medium chested bitches
  17. Dinner plate nipple bitches
  18. Stuffin’ their bras bitches
  19. Unhygienic bitches
  20. Bitches with five heads
  21. Paleolithic lookin’ bitches
  22. Bitches who jealous of me cuz they know I prettier than them
  23. Elusive bitches
  24. Asian bitches who only like things that are miniature
  25. Miniature sized bitches 
  26. Bitches who ain't got no sense of humor and look down on me for writing a list about bitches

My one addition to the types of bitches is  "Adult braces wearing bitches."  
Stay tuned more blogs to come.  I saw David Sedaris last night and I intend to journal and be just like him when I grow up.  
I have you missed you my pretties!
Kitty Diamonds (Bitch who be cluckin' on her phone in line)

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Original Badass

1.   I would like to apologize for the extreme gaping hole that has been in your life due to my lack of blogging, I will try my best to be better, but I make no promises.
2.   So one of my first blogs was about Country Rock, if you remember, if not go back and read it.  I bring this up because I have decided that I will create a bucket list for Athens, per my friend Mindy’s inspiration. This bucket list will include Country Rock and the bar that I will blog about below. This is obviously a running list.  That is all I have so far. 

So four lesbians walk into a bar… This bar is Mell’s Tavern to be exact, a karaoke bar on the far west side of Athens.  And in this bar are frequenters of Mell’s Tavern. Folks who like to adorn themselves with the confederate flag to augment their southern heritage.  Now I understand this need, but for some reason the confederate flag assaults my eyeballs.  That is all I will say, one time I said too much about this and I made someone cry and I feel real bad about it, so I am keeping it brief. 
Needless to say I was a little nervous walking in with my fellow lady lovers, but we marched on because one of our members is an excellent singer and I love to line dance.  One of the confederate flag shirts has the flag and then the words “The original badass” above it.  Curious as to who this original badass is, I peer at the front of his shirt to read the words, Hank Williams Jr (see below). 

So a little background on Mell’s karaoke choices and the overall ambiance of the bar… As far as choices of songs, every country song ever written in history is available and any pop song written before 1981 is also available.  As far as the layout of the bar goes, there are some pool tables on the far side, a bar and then the karaoke room, where there sits the karaoke master, with his cowboy hat and regulation size belt buckle, a few tables, a cleared area for dancing and two “stripper” poles. 

Back to the story, we get our pitcher of bud light and start browsing the song list. Our resident karaeoker picks a few songs, I boogie down to the cupid shuffle with the locals.  So we are now welcome participants in the fun.  One woman, a rural housewife if you will, sits down at our table and tells us she is tired because she has 7 kids at home, so she is sorry but she doesn’t think she has seen us in here before.  Sweet lady, so we introduce ourselves. 

You shook me all night long was chosen by two of our party and the crowd went wild.  It seemed like all the bar came to the dance floor, and the poles were an integral part of the dancing.  In fact I am pretty sure one of the poles got pregnant. 

As the night progresses a particularly intoxicated young gentleman attempts to dance with each one of us unsuccessfully.  After four declines, his friend comes over and lets us know he is going to lose twenty bucks if one of us doesn’t dance with him.  So I kindly tell him, if he gives me that twenty dollars, I would love to dance with his friend.  I pocket the twenty, dance with his friend, and cell phones surface for photographic evidence. 

After the dance we all sit back down, and the sir who paid me 20 bucks, came to the table to let us know that we could dance with each other if we wanted to.  Which I thought was very sweet that he let us know it was cool.  So we do and cell phones surface for photographic evidence once again.  I haven’t tried youtubing Lesbians in Mell’s, but we might be famous. 

Slowly the night comes to an end and the last few karaoke itches were scratched.

As we headed to parking lot, our new friend yelled to us “I too like vagina!”

Nothing like a common bond to bring different walks of life together.  Thank you Mell’s for a memorable and accepting evening.  Maybe now the confederate flag will be a little less offensive to my eyes.  

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Midden me this

To whet your appetite.  More to come I promise.  I am feeling a lot of pressure from my nineteen followers. 
My coworker who will remain unnamed has inspired this blog.  But if you wanna know I will tell you and said coworker will probably too. 
So one day at work I was really hungry, and I asked this coworker if she had any snacks.  She replied confidently, “Look in my midden.”  I blinked a few times replying, “Your what?” A high cabinet door opens, “My midden.”  This midden was filled with a myriad of perishables and non-perishables.  It seemed as if she was preparing for the coming apocalypse with this midden, or at least for being stuck at work over night.  I also thought it was funny she called it a midden, because it means (I learned recently) a trash heap and she offered me snacks from this trash heap.  When she called it a midden at first I just assumed midden meant food pile, but it means trash pile.  But I think it can mean both.

Midden- (defined by Wikipedia)
also known as a kitchen midden, or a shell heap (when they contain a large number of shellfish remains), is a dump for domestic waste.
 The word is of Scandinavian via Middle English derivation, but is used by archaeologists worldwide to describe any kind of feature containing waste products relating to day-to-day human life.
They may be convenient, single-use pits created by nomadic groups or long-term, designated dumps used by sedentary communities that accumulate over several generations.
However when you learn what is in her midden, you will know why it is referred to as a midden. 
I asked her to provide me a list of the things that could be found in the midden.
1. A 2-year-old smucker's jelly jar full of almond butter
2. A bottle of Green Tea Fat Metabolizer my sister gave me to help me not be so fat.
3. 3 different pumps for exercise balls. (She has all these pumps because over the course of the winter she popped three exercise balls by getting to close to the space heater in her office)
4. Numerous (let the record show that she spelled it numberous) plastic bags
5. Rolaids, gum, dental floss, fingernail polish remover, sea salt from Mesopotamia, many packs of soy sauce and spicy Chinese mustard.
6. A hot water bottle
Needless to say, I now keep a midden.  I used to share a desk, but now I have my own desk, where I am free to express my midden desires. 
My coworker, who will now be identified because I don't want to change the name from the gchat, said I should tell yall what is in my midden

Currently in my midden......
Jesslyn:  what's in your midden?
 me:  nothing righ tnow:(
should i just make some stuff up
 Jesslyn:  lame
you can't have a midden with nothing in it
 me:  it was full but then i cleaned it out
i know
Jesslyn:  ah
 me:  i mean there is some stuff
like an empty tupperwear
a few tea bags
a chocolate wrapper
 Jesslyn:  tea bags! nice
 me:  plastic bags
 Jesslyn:  yeah--the perfect midden is a mixture of trash and nontrash items
 me:  exercise ball patch kit, extra stopper
 Jesslyn:  like a purse
 me:  mucinex
 Jesslyn:  patch kit!?
 Jesslyn:  nobody told me about patch kits
over the counter drugs are essential for a midden
extra points if it's weird and herbal and fat burning 

me:  i dont know if it is a patch kit but i wanted to make you jealous
there is also tape
the thing is my midden cant be too gross because I share an office

Go forth and start keeping your own midden, 2012 is right around the corner. 

Friday, February 4, 2011

Life Lessons from the Cat Massage Lady ....

Step One:  Watch this video.

Step Two:  Integrate Life Lessons from MaryJean Ballner into everyday life.

I realize you may feel overwhelmed after watching this video.

Things you may be saying to yourself or doing.
"I don't have a cat, and if I did I probably wouldn't massage it. Does this make me a bad hypothetical pet owner?"
Humming "Slow down you move to fast"
Rushing home to massage your kitty.

Hold your horses there.   I want you to first "Slow down, you move too fast."  Sit tight, I want to share with you the important lessons I have teased out of this video.

1.  We touch all the time, so why not be ther best at it.
Well said Mrs. Ballner
Maryjean expands on this life lesson throughout the video.
My favorite "Petting is passé.  Petting is just randomly petting, most people go mid-back. -eh."
Lessons learned, stay away from the midback area, and randomly petting.
She also instructs on how to use our hands. "If your right handed use right, lefthanded use left
Orrrrr if your left handed use right and visa versa."  OR "Use two hands to double your pleasure and double your fun."

And finally the front of your cat is a veritable treasure chest of fun.  ( I will not comment further here)  
All you need to know is that "you don’t need a swimming pool for this breast stroking!!!!"

2. Slow down your moving too fast, that says a lot about life and a lot about cat massage.  
This is where the copyright of this life lesson, gets a little confusing, do we credit Maryjean or Simon and Garfunkel.

In my opinion, they all want us to slow down and enjoy life's little pleasure, like speaking to lamp posts, feeling groovy, and cat massage.
I mean how often do we find ourselves just rushing through life to get to the next thing.  We can all take a few deep breaths and get back to the basics.  
MJB (Maryjean Ballner)  expands on this topic by saying "What may seem excruciatingly slow to us is sooooo appropriate to your feline."  I like to think we can take this sentence and apply it to our regular lives.   Por ejemplo "What may seem excruciatingly slow to us is so appropriate for the person in front of you checking out at the grocery store."
 "What may seem excruciatingly slow to us is sooooo appropriate for a 100 year old Sunday driver."
And so on. 

3. Positive thinking and positive affirmations help us get through life.
MJB has her eyes on the prize.  She knows what she wants in life.  What did she name her cat, Champion AKA Champer Dampers.
She also let's Champion know how special he is by positive affirmations.
"Who is the best cat in the whole United States, it's you Champer Dampers, it's you!!!"
Be sure you are letting those loved ones how you feel about them, take a page from MJB book.  But also keep in mind what she says right after this comment.  "BORING!"  MJB recognizes that the public doesn't want to see this for long, she just wanted to give a peek into her relationship with Champer Dampers and then she knows this is BORING.  So be sure to positively affirm those in your life, but don't bore those around you.

4.  Lastly "When to cat massage?  WHENEVER"
A different take on "everything in moderation."  
New Slogan.  
Everything... Whenever.  

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Can you??????

So I am considering purchasing a wii.  So this led me to google “can you watch hulu on a wii.”  But before I could get it all the way through google had decided that it knew what I was asking.  The number one decision it had make for me was “can you get pregnant on your period.”  Which those two things are a little different. 
Sooo anyway this has inspired by blog today.  After finding the first suggestion amusing.  I began googling can you … with a random letter.  The list is below of my favorites.

  1. Can you get pregnant on your period?  (#1 as according to google)
  2. Can you zumba while pregnant?  Well if I am gonna get pregnant can I still zumba.
  3. Can you name your child anything?  Because when you be getting pregnant on your period, you might want to name your baby something like zumba.
  4. Can you Xray through peanut butter?  Hmmmm do you think this person ifs going to cover themselves in peanut butter to hide a broken bone, or something else? 
  5. Can you vaporize saliva?  I don’t even know, but it sounds like the said googler might have been vaporizing something else in order to come up with this question.
  6. Can you compost dog poop?  Ummm what do you use your compost for?  I personally put mine on my garden, and umm yeah then I eat that garden stuff.  Walter be nasty. 
  7. Can you get uggs wet?  An important question asked by sorority girls world wide. “Ummmmmmmm can like my uggs get wet?  It snowed here or whatever. “
  8. Can you wash uggs?  Mine got wet. 
  9. Can you buy beer on Christmas in Georgia?  No Santa will bring it to you if you have been good.
  10. My personal favorite.  Can you pay my bills?  Ha!  Who is this question directed to?
  11. Can you grow out of ADD?   Well I know I haven’t I was supposed to be working and then I ummm got distracted by thinking about a wii, and then if I got one, if I could watch hulu on it, and then I got distracted when google asked me can you get pregnant on your period, and then I started blogging. So no I don’t think you can grow out of ADD. 
  12. Can you make money blogging?  How many silly bloggers type that in a day.  Well if you keep asking this question instead of blogging, probably not.
  13. Can you teach me how to dougie?   WHAT!  Well it turns out it is song by CalSwag.  Warning this song contains explicit lyrics.  But yeah, I could teach you how to dougie. 
  14. Can you move out at 17 in Georgia?  How many 13-16 year old teenagers are at their computer grounded googling the age you can move out.  Well apparently a lot. 
  15. Can you lose your salivation?  It actually said salvation, but I read salivation.  And I was like OMG if that many people are asking about vaporizing saliva, then they probably want to know if you can lose you ability to salivate after trying to vaporize their saliva. But I will probably lose my salvation for not taking this one seriously enough. 
  16. Internet user: Can you keep a secret?  Google: No
  17. Can you die from weed?  Same guy who tried to vaporize his saliva. 
  18. Can you end a sentence in a preposition?  Only if the south is where you are from at. 
  19. Can you stand the rain?  This is not a question asking how much precipitation you can put up with.  It is a song.  Apparently millions of peoples jam by New Edition. 
  20. Can you yell fire in a crowded theatre?  I love it!  A rebel with a conscious.  If you have to ask if it is ok, then you probably shouldn’t do it.  And what the hell apparently a lot of people have this question.  Next time I go to a crowded theatre I am gonna watch my back. 

That is all.